One of Those Days...

There are many times I just want to give up. Let go. Give in to my insecurities.

I've been an several relationships, but I don't think I've ever truly been loved. I've been in a horrible, mind-controling relationship that lasted 3 years and just simply ended one day. No reason. No second thought. Just poof - bye and gone forever. I've also been in an overly "loving" relationship that was amazing in every way that lasted 4 months and ended one day. No reason. No second though. Just poof - bye.

So, where does this leave me? Am I supposed to think that someone will "love" me and not just up and leave? I try to play the independent, confident man that doesn't need anyone except his friends and his family, but then I come home to this empty house. All alone and can feel the void. The giant gaping hole where what I thought was love once filled.

Yes, I am fulfilled with God and His love, but what's missing? Why do I get so low? So incredibly low? I'll never share this with anyone that really knows me, but I just want a family of my own. A wife, maybe some kids (obviously not biologically mine but that's more than ok with me), a life - together. I want to have that connection. That closeness.

But it is what it is. I need to be content and grateful with what I'm given. I just wish my life didn't feel so incomplete. I have great friends, family, career, home, vehicle, most importantly God, so what's my problem?!?

Just needed to vent.

Thanks for listening (reading...)

Have a peaceful night.
Anonymous Joe

What Does It Mean to be a Man?

This whole concept of manliness has challenged me many times throughout my life - sometimes in a good way and others...well, not so much.

However, this is where I currently stand on the whole thing, and again, this is just my perspective... I would be grateful to hear yours if you have time to share.

Physical attributes play a minor role in defining a man. Yes, it feels natural and fitting now that I have one, but it's not all about my junk. What defines me as a man is my ability to be respectful, responsible, understanding, just, empathetic, sympathetic and purposeful. My actions have meaning and my words are chosen to lift up those around me. This world may challenge my existence and attempt to belittle me by saying things that I used to believe in regards to me not being good enough or man enough or being less than human, ungodly... But it never made sense... Why do I exist if I was meant to drown in my own self-loathing? What a waste of this life and God's gift to me. What a pointless way to live. So, I studied, observed and mimicked those that I respected, those that exhibited the characteristics of what kind of man I wanted to be. I wanted to be a true gentleman to the best of my ability.

No matter how much I tried though, nothing seemed to diminish the lingering negativity.

Until I let God take over

The closer I get to God, the taller I stand, the stronger I feel, the more confident in myself I become. God controls this life, not me, and I will do my best to be the man He needs me to be. I'll continue to study and observe, but my prospective has changed. My vision has changed. My heart is open and accepting to God now rather than simply to human.

All is well and all is good! I can't wait to see what God has in store for me.

Have a good weekend!

Anonymous Joe

Relationships Pt 1

This is one of the harder topics for me to talk about, but I did have a couple questions about it. So, I'll do my best...

How has dating been for you?

This is hard because every relationship I've been in has been so different mostly because they all happened at different times in my transition. I have a bad habit of getting attached to acceptance, and that's what gets me in trouble - every time. Currently, dating and relationships are completely off the table. I feel like I need to keep working on myself and my own personal growth and acceptance before I can be a part of a healthy relationship. I've been in a few long term relationships as well as a couple shorter endeavors. All have helped me grow and I am forever grateful for those experiences.

I can tell you this... I'm incredibly paranoid of leading people on or misleading someone when it comes to having anywhere near feelings for me. So, I am very cautious about telling anyone I date about it. I am diligent about being up front about it as soon as possible if there's even a remote chance of something happening.

There have been so many times even still that I've thought I wasn't good enough, not man enough, for a true, lasting, loving relationship. My insecurities in this regard completely take over sometimes, and I just have to remember to breathe and accept my situation. I accepted that I may never be a dad and I may never be a husband, and that's OK. All I can do is pray about it and have full trust in God's plan.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7

-Anonymous Joe

Loved Beyond Loneliness

This short 3-minute video is incredibly powerful to anyone that's ever questioned their existence, their purpose, for anyone that has ever experienced loneliness or withdraw.

I hope it touches your heart as much as it did mine. Enjoy...

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rTi4821n8mY

-Anonymous Joe

For Anyone Who's Struggling...

Please take the opportunity to just listen...

No matter what you're going through, the best is yet to come! Keep your head up and stand tall.

You're your own worst enemy...

"There Will Be A Day" Jeremy Camp

- Anonymous Joe

Recent Questions

With every post, I will attempt to answer questions that were presented to me as well as share some thoughts I've had recently.

Question 1: When did you start? Have you had surgery?

If you're wondering about the physical part of this process, there are very specific standards of care (that you can read in several different languages here) that each individual must follow to have things done safely and properly. This required me to see a therapist for several months before I was even allowed a doctor's appointment for testosterone. My first hormone injection was in August 2005. It immediately changed my life. I had top surgery and a full phalloplasty over the course of just under 10 years due to financial constraints. This stuff is EXPENSIVE!

Question 2: Do you have trouble coming out to people that are close to you?

Yes and no....
There are enough people in my life that know my background that I feel comfortable with leaving it where it currently is. I have never had anyone confront me or say anything rude to my face about my situation, but I am extremely particular about who I tell. Now that I am so far into the process, I can be even more strategic in who knows what. The whole point of my transition is for me to be complete. A whole being. A man in all ways. If there's no logical reason for someone  to know, then they don't. It's as simple as that. However, when I do decide to let someone in, it is nerve-wrecking. Once that person knows though, I'm comfortable answering questions and easing previous misconceptions.

**Relationships and dating... 'nother story for a whole 'nother time... **

I was provided with a short message about how great it was to hear about transgender situations and God in one message, and it solidified my reasoning for sharing this information. As I go through all the crazy emotions that comes with transitioning, I have to constantly remind myself that my struggles were not an accident. My pain, grief, misunderstanding, self-loathing and frustration was designed specifically for me! My perspective on these moments though is what makes it different. I could easily be knocked down, forever trapped in my own negativity. However, every single moment was placed on my path to build me up, give me strength and gain a deeper relationship with God. I have not been forgotten. I am not alone. God will provide!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Goodnight! I wish you well.
-Anonymous Joe

A Sneak Peek at Who I Am

This may only reach one or maybe a few, but if my experience can help someone out there feel better about this life, these experiences, all our struggles and the purpose we're put here to promote, then it was worth the time to put this out there.

My story is complex to outsiders, yet very simple to me at times. I'm open to questions and comments of varying degree in regards to understanding, personal struggle or just plain curiosity. What do I get out of sharing my story...

connection

In this big ol'world, it's easy to feel alone. I have many friends, close friends at that, but very few know my story - my complete story.

So...where to begin...

I am a fully transitioned female-to-male transgendered man. Of course, I'm sure most of you are immediately curious about the physical part of it, and that's typical. That's fine, but I'm hoping to share something deeper than that as well. My mind has always been 100% male, in every way. My thoughts, morals and ideals tend to be more traditional with how I think a man should be, which roles he should take on - provider, care taker, leader, father... which very much contradicts with my entire existence, especially since I have accepted the fact that I will more than likely never have a family of my own.

I have, naturally, questioned my purpose, my existence, and it always comes back to this - God made me this way for a reason! I have to stay positive and stand tall knowing that God has a plan for me. My struggles exist for a reason. My story can be shared. My experiences, my struggles with religion and Christianity, my incredible lows and my amazing highs. It may not be a pretty conversation at times, and I may confuse people, but it is what it is! I know God loves me, and I do my best to learn and understand His message.

I've been in some extremely rough situations that were at times abusive, but EVERYTHING happens for a reason! People come and go - those who stay are your strength, your personal angels God has placed in your life. Those who go, for whatever reason, are no longer needed. Their purpose has been served in your life as well as yours in theirs. This took me a long time to accept, especially when I feel as completely alone as I have at times.

Feel free to ask questions, respond with comments or just leave whatever you feel you need to share.

I'll continue to post based on questions I've received throughout the years and hope that eventually someone will stumble across this and won't feel alone anymore. This life is too short to worry or fear or feel sorrow.

...maybe I need to take my own advice...

Enjoy this day!
Anonymous Joe